It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
