what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
