His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
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Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
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Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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