Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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