if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
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