Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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