Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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