yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
