She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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