Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
