very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
