textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
