Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The uberlube is also flammable
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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