mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
operation have a gay friend backfired
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
