I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
