you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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