My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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