In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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