he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
