So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
