He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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