At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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