I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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