im drinking this country out of the recession.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
