My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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