I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
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we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
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I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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