i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
