I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
