K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
