got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
