he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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