The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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