is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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