Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
