My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
