its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
