you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
