I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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