Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
