The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
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We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
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I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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