i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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