You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
