Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
