My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
