The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.