Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dating After Heartbreak
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!