Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
