You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
