i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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