dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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