i need an iv and a liver transplant
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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