my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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