theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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