You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
